Forgiving the Villain (...or at least trying to)

Addicted to Anger

There's an incessantly annoying conversation about forgiveness that has come up countless times in my life over the past five years.  It’s come up enough in conversation from many people for me to finally want to do something about it - partly just so I can stop hearing about it. 

I can’t help but admit that it makes me upset, though.  It makes me feel like I need to release this anger towards him for good.  And that’s obviously the point, which should feel like a good thing...right?  But, for some reason, the anger that I hold onto feels so good.  The anger I have towards this person mimics its own sort of confirmation bias.  It’s confirmation of the validity of my contempt, my rage, my resentment that I hold towards this person.  Simply & masochistically put…I can’t help but admit that it feels good to hate him.  It feels good to have been the one to step away.  It feels like I shot back at someone who was so used to winning for years & years - and then I suddenly won. I’ve seen decline (in many ways) in this person’s life ever since the relationship severed, and, admittedly, it gives me an addictive dopamine hit that doesn’t compare to any other.  

But, like any other feeling we get from addictive substances, we’re aware that it’s not healthy for us to behave this way (and when I say “we,” it’s really just me that I’m calling out).  It contradictorily greases the wounds I so desperately try to heal. 

In reality, the true masochism here is me choosing to remain in this vengeful energy.  Choosing to suffer and relive my past on a day-to-day basis.  The only hurt I’m inflicting is on myself.  And that must change.  

I’ve always thought that the hard part of healing and moving on from someone who has incited such profound pain would come from the distressing memories and sad, emotional realizations of reality.  After being separated from this person for over five years, I’m learning that the hardest part comes in the aftermath - which has no definite timeline.  Every person and relationship is different, therefore, healing is not linear.  

Limbo

I’ve had people telling me for years to let this shit go, but I never was able to commit to it.  There’s some advice that just didn’t fit the shape of my pain.  And also - you know when the time is right to finally change perspective about something.  Others have never lived in your shoes for a day, so it’s hypocritical for anyone else to place judgement, if they do.  They don’t know the pain you’ve endured, the experiences that are too sensitive to tell.  We all withhold some information to protect ourselves or the other person.  Take the advice with discretion. Notice the patterns, but remember: the shift must come from you. 

There’s a part of us all, I think, that likes to see people who have hurt us fail and suffer. It feels good to see someone else receive their karma that we know will inevitably come around.

The Truth About Power

All my life, I always felt like he won.  There’s a part of me that feels like forgiving someone who has hurt me as tremendously as this individual has, makes me the loser.  I’ve always had to be the bigger person, ever since I was young.  I was never really able to be a kid and have a childhood that most “normal” people had.  I had things involuntarily placed upon me to deal with that I never asked for.  And still, to this day, I have to deal with repercussions of someone else’s actions.  Because of that, there’s quite a bit of animosity inside me.  

However - the hard truth is that my own constant reassurance of this pain is actually affirming his power and dominance over my mind.  I’m doing exactly what he would love for me to do, and exactly what I wouldn’t want for myself.  You would think that because he’s not present in my life physically that he would hold no power over me.  But that, as I’ve humbly found out, is not the case whatsoever.  

Mental and emotional damage that’s been done to someone must be cared for, mended, and repaired with grace, patience, & love.  The type of grace and love that’s been neglected and omitted.  How does one heal from someone who had berated them for years with judgement, criticism, and hostility?  How is it fair for anyone to deal with someone else’s pain and self-neglect?  The answer is that no, it’s not fair.  Things that happen in life are usually not fair.  A tough pill to swallow, but once you fully digest it - it’s done.  

Those wounds you have to dress have been sliced open with the sharpest of knives by the power of someone else’s hand, and usually from the people we love the most.  And yet it is our own responsibility to stitch them back together with love.  That is part of life’s test, though.  This is exactly where the turning point occurs: your willingness to understand the misfortune and turning it into personal triumph.  

Letting Go Isn't Losing - It's Liberation

There’s been many times I’ve been badly broken and split open in ways that most wouldn’t come back from.  And I don’t say this lightly - I’m probably the last person to ever give myself credit for anything.  But when it comes to this - trust me when I tell you that this has had everything to do with every rock bottom I’ve ever faced.  

There’s been things that have happened in my life that I will probably never be able to admit publicly.  But, it’s imperative to let these exhausting feelings go.  The feeling of neglect, guilt, shame, and pain.  I’m only hurting myself at this point. Unbeknownst to me, I’ve actually been giving him his power back, whether he knows it or not.  And that is exactly what my ego has tricked me into doing.  Getting that nice hit of dopamine, thinking that I won the game and wanting to keep it that way.  But I really haven’t won yet.  I’ve chosen to stay in a battle that I’ve actually been losing all along.  I’ve lost because I’ve let it affect me for so long.  

I feel so deeply, sometimes to my own demise.  These emotions run through my core, whether I want them to or not.  When I hurt, I hurt badly.  But when I love, it transcends timelines.  And I think it’s time to start giving myself grace and loving myself more.  It’s nothing I was ever used to, so it’s all new to me, but I’m grateful to have learned this earlier rather than later. Perhaps I’ll know I’ve won when I no longer have urges to write excerpts like this anymore.  

I’ve finally gotten to the point of acknowledging that my pain is valid.  I never really thought it mattered to anyone, because at the end of the day, I was the one to deal with it.  But I think now I’ve understood that I’ve been wrong for so long.  Maybe if I had someone else to go to, someone else to listen to that understood me…maybe I would have learned this earlier.  And that’s essentially why I’m writing something like this to you.  To hopefully connect with people who have felt/feel the same way.  To show you that you’re not alone and that there’s people who understand you and your pain.  

So...cheers to the misunderstood 🥂